Life’s ups and downs have a way of transforming us. Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s autobiography, My Beloved World, provides us with insight into the challenges of her childhood, which wasn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination. She writes, “There are uses to adversity, and they don’t reveal themselves until tested. Whether it’s serious illness, financial hardship, or the simple constraint of parents who speak limited English, difficulty can tap unexpected strengths. It doesn’t always of course: I’ve seen life beat people down until they can’t get up. But I have never had to face anything that could overwhelm the native optimism and stubborn perseverance I was blessed with.”
Unlike many of us, Justice Sotomayor doesn’t see hardships as things that must be overcome; rather, she sees hardships as things that help us grow. She goes on to say that growing up in poverty, her diabetes, and the death of her father when she was only eight taught her resilience.
In my newly published book, A Mommy, A Daddy, Two Sisters, and a Jimmy: Autism and the Difference It Makes, my two daughters share life-changing lessons they learned growing up with their autistic brother. For instance, my oldest daughter Katie shares, “I have a bond with Jimmy that gives me this sense of closeness with people who are seen as different. I feel that with this compassion, I can have an effect on others’ lives. I went through a lot of emotional pain when we were young. Living through that, I know that no matter how tough life seems, you can get through it.”
Unlike my wife Pat, who remembers thinking that life was a just a “bowl of cherries” during her childhood, Katie and Suzy remember something quite different. Early on, they were exposed to conflict, stress, and the pain that comes with being seen as fundamentally different. Both Jimmy’s sisters have developed resiliency over the years; in that they’ve learned to bounce back from adversity. But at times it can take a while to bounce back; months, years, even decades. Their family, friends, and faith have all played a critical role in helping them make meaning out of adversity. Rather than simply focus on the negative, they’ve learned to focus more on the potential for individual growth.
Research on resilience teaches us some valuable lessons about life.
- Resilience requires skills that can be taught.
- Resilience can change over time.
- How we perceive a traumatic or stressful life experiences can be more important than the life experience itself.
As adults, my daughters continue to work on maintaining a positive outlook. This means trying to understand that circumstances alone do not dictate our attitudes or how we react; rather, we do. It’s an extremely difficult lesson to learn, remember, and put into practice.
Please note: I just finished a book that applies the latest research on autism to our family’s journey over more than four decades. My son Jimmy is a middle-aged adult on the autism spectrum. The voices and perspectives of my son, my wife and two daughters as well as friends and professionals are included throughout. It’s a real, uplifting, and remarkable story; one which I have wanted to share for a long time. Both the print and Kindle version of this book are now available. Profits will go to Linwood Center, an internationally recognized program whose mission is to create extraordinary lives for children and adults with autism (see https://aJimmy.com).
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