“An Uncommon Compassion” is the title of a chapter in my most recent book, A Mommy, A Daddy, Two Sisters, and a Jimmy: Autism and the Difference It Makes. While discussing our family dynamics, I cite a quote from my oldest daughter Katie. “Growing up with my brother Jimmy, I discovered more and more about myself and other people. When someone so different is so close to you, you develop an uncommon compassion for others.”
According to research on autism, Katie’s experiences are not unique. About a week ago, I sat down with Professor Regina Conti and her wonderful family while I attended my Colgate Reunion in upstate New York. Dr. Conti is a Professor of Psychology at Colgate University. Over breakfast, we talked about our families, the challenges and joys of special needs parenting, and the support system that our children so desperately need.
In her study, “Compassionate Parenting as a Key to Satisfaction, Efficacy, and Meaning Among Mothers of Children with Autism,” Dr. Conti found that when parents of children with autism find themselves becoming more compassionate and empathetic, they in turn become more tuned into their child’s needs and challenges. Seeing the world, or at least trying to see the world from their autistic child’s perspective allows them to find more meaning in life and truly value their autistic child’s strengths.
Ever since he was born, I’ve had a close relationship with my son Jimmy. But now I think I’m more apt to question my own thinking and assumptions when it comes to Jimmy and other members of my family. Why? Three years of familiarizing myself with cutting-edge research on autism provided me with newfound understanding and empathy. For instance, I look at my daughters and my son differently now. Jimmy’s behaviors, such as rapid-fire questions that go on and on, seemingly irrational fears, and an inability to feel intense pain have become much more understandable. Moreover, I am better able to sense his needs and react appropriately and lovingly. As far as my daughters are concerned, I think I have a greater appreciation for the emotional trauma they experienced when they were growing up, and their concerns and priorities as far as Jimmy’s future is concerned.
Compassionate parenting can be extremely difficult for fathers and mothers, especially when they are stressed out, as many parents of autistic children are. And sometimes, the act of showing compassion can be tiring over time. People in the medical profession sometimes call this “compassion fatigue.” But the outcomes of compassionate parenting show it’s worth the effort, and not only for the child’s development and self-esteem. In her study, Dr. Conti found that compassionate parents were more apt to report greater meaning and personal satisfaction with their lives, in spite of all that’s asked of them on a daily basis.
Please note: I just finished a book that applies the latest research on autism to our family’s journey over more than four decades. My son Jimmy is a middle-aged adult on the autism spectrum. The voices and perspectives of my son, my wife and two daughters as well as friends and professionals are included throughout. It’s a real, uplifting, and remarkable story; one which I have wanted to share for a long time. Both the print and Kindle version of this book are now available. Profits will go to Linwood Center, an internationally recognized program whose mission is to create extraordinary lives for children and adults with autism (see https://www.facebook.com/RichardDBucherPh.D).
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