Much of the discussion surrounding the issue of balancing work and family responsibilities has to do with mothers making choices, and how those choices may impact their career productivity and advancement. Interestingly, a recent study shows that women can “make up” for their child-bearing years, make up meaning productivity in the workplace. Productivity in this study focused on academia, and was defined in terms of research and publications.
As a father, I feel left out of this balancing act. Why does the focus of the work-life debate continually come back to women? As the father of a son with autism and two daughters, I have always felt that the words choice and balance do not do a very good job of describing my life up to this point.
More specifically, I feel misunderstood when I read about research findings on work-life balance. For instance, recent research by Citi and LinkedIn found that men rarely talk with women about work-life issues; in spite of the fact that men report that “finding the right balance between work and family life” is their top career concern.
I distinctly remember a meeting I had with three male colleagues early in my career. All three were go-getters and highly productive. During the meeting, my supervisor went on and on about what each of my colleagues was doing. Then he turned to me and bluntly asked, “Bucher, what have you been up to? I was so filled with emotion and hurt that I said nothing, and got up and walked out of the room. Mind you I was no slouch in terms of my productivity at that time. And yet, I could not put in the same hours at work as my colleagues, nor did I want to. I was needed at home. My son with autism needed me, my daughters needed me, and my wife was in dire need of some relief. And fortunately, I worked a job in which I had a choice.
Perhaps ten years later, my daughter nominated me for The Baltimore Sun “Father of the Year” Award. Somehow, I won it. And despite treasuring that honor as much as any I have ever received, I never told anyone at work about the award, nor did I include it on my resume or in my personnel file.
The aforementioned survey by Citi and LinkedIn found that men are increasingly apt to talk with other men about managing family and work responsibilities. If this is indeed true of men in general, then I welcome this change. As a father who felt stretched in a million different directions, I can’t ever remember sharing what I was feeling with any man. Rather, I kept it hidden, and opened up to my wife at times. That worked for me, but I would not recommend it. We all need support, and reaching out to both men and women is one way of finding it.
For me, I never regretted putting my family first, then or now. In weighing my options, the absolute last thing on my mind was foregoing productivity. And yet somehow it all came together. For that, I am very grateful and feel very blessed.