In recent weeks, there has been a lot of talk about whether we can “have it all.” For some, this discussion has revolved around being a wife and mother, maintaining a family, and meeting the expectations of a demanding, well-paying job that requires long hours at the office. Others have joined this discussion, including fathers who take an active and perhaps primary role in raising the kids, mothers of children with severe disabilities, mothers who have been training for the London Olympics and have had to be more “selfish” than they would have liked, and everyday mothers and fathers who find it difficult to have it all or at least, have as much as possible.
What seems to be missing is a clear definition of what it means to have it all? To me, this phrase is very subjective, and perhaps a bit idyllic and even biased.
For instance, does “having it all” mean:
- juggling both roles (work and family) easily?
- performing both roles efficiently?
- managing both roles, somehow, some way
- quality (how well you perform each of the roles) and/or quantity (how much time you devote)
- you do what is in your best interests or your child’s or both?
To me, it is important to ask, Can we appreciate what we have? And do we have what we need as far as our children, our family, our careers/jobs are concerned?
Moreover, is having it all something that is fixed, or is it dynamic; meaning it can change minute to minute, day to day. Perhaps having it all doesn’t just depend on our gender, social class, support system, job, and children. Perhaps it also depends on our expectations, our faith, our priorities, our attitudes, our norms regarding gender roles, and our ability to discern between those things we can and cannot control.
Can we have it all? Well, that depends.